The moralistic and dualistic upbringing and many years of indoctrination in a church setting had a deep influence on my mind. I was taught (and let myself believe) that deep down I am unworthy and sin-full. Literally meaning that the deeper I dig and reflect, the more areas I would discover in me which are unworthy of being touched, that are dangerous and to be questioned and gotten rid of. There was a lot of preaching of forgiveness and of healing but all this just intensified my self-rejection and fear.
A consequence of this was that I feared being alone. I was afraid of what “dark inner forces” may surface when I am alone and give room to silence. One of the most important (and scary) roads I took was to say a short four letter word to the inner moralistic voices clouding my mind and to start facing aloneness. I started giving space to silence, nothingness. I started to do listen more to my heart and soul and desires not letting my head run the show. I started to give space to all of me. To the reality of who I am and not so much the person I was taught I want to be.
And then in accepting my brokenness, I discover beauty and hidden strengths. I discovered that yes there are sides in me I don't want to live out and give room to me but they must not be hidden. Even those sides have beauty and are worthy of being touched and acknowledged!
So many strengths I have were born in moments of rain and pain.
I remember many years of my life in which I feared really being alone. I thought that in aloneness some hidden truth of me might be revealed and this scared me.
Through my illness and travels I have had to learn to spend 4-5 months per year alone. Alone on beautiful beaches surrounded by lovers, family and beer drinking partying folks.
I've been alone in shabby hotels in Madagascar, a hammock in Koh Samui, small airport hotel rooms in Heathrow, Finland, lodges in Namibia, dark hotels in Lesotho and stunning temples of luxury in Dubai and Thailand. But through all the nights, the meals, the twilight I am able to make choices of who I am and how my activities reflect my values and longings.
I have learnt not to fear my true self but to trust! My soul is trust-worthy and worthy to be loved. Deep in I am not a sinner as I was taught. I am a beloved man wanting to be loved and to love. I believe in an original blessing which overcame original sin. And in all this I learn to see others in the same light of compassion and care.