I had another strong 6-7h pain attack from Friday to Saturday. During most of Saturday I was trying to recover, to start eating and drinking. I was alone in Bangkok. I tried to walk and do what I had to as I was changing hotels but I was incredibly weak and could harldy pack my stuff and even less to walk or carry lugage.
I felt fear creeping into my thoughts. “Will the pain surge again today” “Will I have energy to eat or do I fall into a cycle of weakness and strong medication crippling me?” “What do I do if I’m alone and I can’t stand up from bed again?” Fear of just facing more pain of this intensity.
In such moments – and again over this weekend – I ask myself what I can learn from the fear. What does the fear tell me about what is real? I imagined sitting with my fear in a beautiful coffee shop drinking the finest espresso and having an appreciative, consultative talk exploring each others desires and needs. This helped me hear the important message fear had but also to “be-friend” my fears and to unify myself with them whilst empowering myself to embrace hope. This helps me find peace and to breath and to reconcile myself with forces beyond my controll.