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Not only healthy, but also

For 40 years I have been living with a genetic disorder which causes ongoing inflammations and leads to ongoing, constant pain. There are very very few days where the absence of pain breaks through the normal pain-full days. On these days it seems as if the air is more fresh, the colours more vivid and the days shorter. 

It has been years since I last wished to be only healthy because I am mostly very thankful for the life I may live. Of course not suffering pains would be awesome. But then I might not experience the peace and love I often do. What would I have been able to accomplish if I used less time and energy to manage pain? Would it have been something meaningful and loving? 

Roughly 10 years ago I decided to leave the church and religion. I have struggled, enjoyed, searched and sometimes - for short moments - re-found believe in a God who enters into our world. I found expressions of life (some may say, spirituality) which I can embrace. Not being part of a closed group and religious system has been most liberating. It’s lead me to re-discover, to embark on journeys with a less judgemental mind which is open to explore, accept and embrace. So much of my identity and beliefe in the church system was based on principles lf exclusion and inclusion. It was dualistic - what is right and wrong. I am continuing to learn to embrace the now and be more present. Breathing and being connected with creation and the created around me and with me makes me be more alert to their needs, their fears, their hopes and desires. 

My goal for the next months and years is to let go more and more of fix expectations in order to experience each day as gift. No matter whether this day brings pain and fear of tomorrow or whether I can move and breath without fearing the next stabbing pains.

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