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A heart whispering "love - today"

We are all dying. Some of us more conciously than others. And we are all alive, well most of us :-)!

In the last months I realised that I need a new framework by which I live. Or said as a friend said nicely today: I need a new answer to "why I live?" and "why do I do what I do?"  

How much do I accept that my body is on a downward spiral? How much energy, time and effort shall I invest into slowing down this process of dying? Is it ok to accept treatment which helps increase my quality of life on the short term but reduces my life-span? Shall I go for more quality of life or quantity of time?

My focus has shifted from preparing to die and to embrace a positive attitude to the big unknown final transition to "What do I want to live?". What do I want to experience yet in the time I have? In which friendships and relationships do I want to invest time and energy and go deeper or further? How much life do I have in me yet? 

As I balanced these and other questions I decided to aim for a "365" perspective. My goal is to live at least one more year and perhaps more... A good year. A full year. A year of laughter, depth, weeping, happiness, sadness, letting go and holding on. Over the mourning of realising the shortness of life a joy arises. The thankfullness to have the opportunity to enjoy a good coffee, deep sharing, a groovy jazz tune, a beautiful spring day and much more. 

This reflection helped me to accept the reality of being weak and tired. It helped me see how I have been pushing myself hard and far to keep working full-time whilst hearing and feeling my body say "I am tired and in pain and need a rest!".

As I begin to slow down and rest I am overwhelmed by the reaction of friends who are supporting us on so many levels. Some are challenged by the explicitness and directness of my decision and feel overwhelmed. Some express that it creates pain to walk with me through fields of shadow. Some chose to hold my hand and walk with me. This situation is a priviledge as it lets me experience these intense months together with loved ones. So again it's pain and pleasure which dance in the moonlight.  

I hear a heart whisper "go - love - today".  


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